Holding On Read online

  People probably stared at us being that Shame was 12 years older than any of my classmates, but I don’t remember caring. The girls swooned at the first sight of him. He didn’t even have to dress up. He was in his signature ripped at the knee, low hung jeans and standard issued black tee with his cut hugging close to his upper body.

  I remember when it was time for the slow coupled dances that Shame would put his hand on the middle of my back and move me on the dance floor effortlessly. My body progressed with his as if his was an extension of mine. I trusted him and was familiar with him. Sadey had said to me that night, “He looks at you Mace, like he has stars in his eyes. Can you see it? That man will be yours one day.” I wanted to believe that. I really wanted to believe that maybe I was Cinderella and that my Prince Charming that I had crushed on all the years before had finally come to take me away.

  When Shame dropped me off at my house that night, I remember sitting in his car and mentally I was refusing to get out. He said “Goodnight Sweetheart, be good and remember how much I love your face”. I didn’t want to go inside and end this evening so I mentally stopped time at those words. He’s always said that to me about my face though, so hearing them was nothing new. They were Shames words and his way of loving me, as the kid sister that the thought me to be. He isn’t exactly the mushy or romantic type so when he uttered those words I closed my eyes and imagined he meant them in another way. I had wished to pretend for just a few minutes that I was one of his girls and he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  I look up to all that is Shame and I instantly blush as I step back from memory lane. He gives me a half grin and nods for me to follow behind him. Of course he doesn’t have to pull at me much as I am following with vigor because I’m still lost in my memories.

  “Give him a break will you, Mace? He’s feeling a little lost and threatened right now with it being the one year anniversary of Doc’s death and nothing has been done about Switch and his crew. We are one year into this and no retaliation or revenge is even in play. Doc was a peacemaker, Mace. So now he’s worried about the Club and its structure. We are proving a weakness to them with no revenge for Doc. Now Hem is attempting to fill in the blanks to ensure its success. So far the only plan that we have in place is patching in Ace, as soon as he starts taking shit more seriously and Gunner, but damn if he ain’t green and so damn young. We have other prospects being considered but this always fell on Doc and now Hem has to deal with this shit on top of having to deal with avenging Doc and looking for Switch. Switch has apparently just evaporated into thin fucking air, pussy that he is, he’s probably scared knowing he fucked up in putting a bullet into Doc. Then, on top of all this shit, Hem is worried about losing you. Not just losing you from the Club but losing you from the person that you are. He wants you to be what you spent your life growing up to be. He loves you, Mace and wants you happy and no one here, not one fucking person in this outfit believes that you are truly happy with that fucking asshole. He’s not made for you Mace and you are fooling yourself kid if you believe that he is your forever.”

  I don’t even need a second to gather my thoughts, “I see that Shame, I can even understand that. I’m aware of the pressure Hem is under.” I protest skipping over his last jab about Greyson not being meant for me. “But I am engaged to Greyson, he isn’t going to be so understanding of this little announcement and I am not ever going to agree to this ridiculous proposition I’ve been handed. You and I both know that Hem is acting out and this ludicrous idea was born from his grief. God knows my heart goes out to the Club in regard to loss of Doc, who was a great man and cannot be forgotten. As far as Hem’s additional responsibilities, aren’t you supposed to be his Vice President? You need to get into his ass Shame and make sure he doesn’t feel alone. You know Hem, he won’t ask for help and he will just assume this is all on him. I worry about him every day, wondering what’s going through his head and I fear he will do something stupid. You know how he thinks better than anyone, can you help him? Right now I need to take some distance; I’m trying to plan my own wedding. I don’t have a loving and happy go lucky mother who is excited for me, okay? I don’t want to worry about Hem or you right now, even though you know that I do.”

  I look to my feet and push a rock to avoid focusing on the growl coming from Shame at the mention of Greyson and our engagement and upcoming marriage. I haven’t even addressed his observation about Greyson not being made for me, I don’t know how to do that but I need to say something because Shame is less of a fan of him then Hem. Shame sees Greyson as a stuffed shirt; I know this because he tells me this often.

  “Furthermore, I’m sorry that I didn’t ask you or Hem or even Sadey what you thought about Greyson, before I fell in love with him. He’s kind to me, he’s gentle and smart and he adores and cherishes me which we both know growing up around this ‘outfit’ as you put it, that I haven’t exactly been exposed to those behaviors so you will forgive me for enjoying it now.”

  “You don’t have to agree, Princess. There is nothing to agree to. Hem is just lost and he’s been reflecting this week while grasping at straws in regards to you and Greyson. It is what it is. You have a dedication, a duty to Hem and to all of us not to change what’s in here.”

  He puts his hand on my chest and pushes faintly and I know he can feel my heartbeat in his palm and he continues. “We love you and you are a part of this family whether you agree to it or not.” Now I can hear an angry tone start and decide its best to just let it be... for now.

  “I’m ready. Let’s go, we have things to do. I’m not into being part of the entertainment here Mace, and after Hem’s little announcement or whatever that was I would say the party is over for us. We have reservations for dinner at the Plaza so if you will come with me, let’s forget this damn visit ever happened.”

  Shit.

  Shame had dropped his hand that was still placed on over my heart once Greyson had come out walking our way. My Greyson. He looks disheveled and embarrassed to even be here. He doesn’t understand this life and he has always kept almost quiet about his distaste for my brother and Shame’s choices in living but when he has an opportunity to insert a jab, he doesn’t shy away from doing so, thus creating more tension with everyone. Cavemen must have never communicated using words, just pissing matches.

  “Right baby, let me say goodbye to Hem and we will go, you can go wait in the car is that okay?” I’m trying to mollify him, he sees this and lets me have it. Thank hell.

  I wait until I see Greyson finish his trek down to the drive to his car before turning around. The man has a beautiful swag and I’ve not been known to avoid watching it any chance I can get. A strong gait and confident strides just do things to a girl.

  Going back near the Clubhouse I find my brother, beer in one hand and Sadey in the other. I study him for a few minutes, with Sadey. They look so good together, natural even. She’s got her arms around his neck and they are swaying to the music blaring from inside the garage. Shakespears Sister, ‘Stay’ must have them both remembering our times down at the lake when we were so much younger. It was a peaceful time in our lives, a time that we will always remember.

  Coming out of my thoughts I remember I need to get going! “Hem, Grey and I are leaving, we only wanted to stop by and say hello. We aren’t staying for the party tonight, I’m sorry. Take care of yourself and please take it easy on Sade, you know her feelings for you. Don’t play up to them.”

  Sadey whips her head to me and scowls in embarrassment. I speak the truth because someone has to say it and heaven knows she does love Hem. She wouldn’t stop him for having her for an evening as if she was part of the Club ass around here.

  “Sis, I know. I’m well aware of how she feels emotionally and only for you I won’t take advantage of how she feels inside.” He is grinning down at her I see her eyebrows lift at him and I think she’s actually throwing him a damn challenge! Oh he had better not touch my girl. Sadey is still pure, untainted, and with her big
heart Hem would crush her and make her unrecognizable from the innocence she still owns.

  “God, you’re such a pig. I love you and will call you tomorrow. I mean it, take care and keep the mouse in the house around Sade. Oh and Hem, by the way Greyson and I have finally pinned down a date for the wedding, you’re still coming to the wedding right? You’re going to witness my transition to an old married wife?”

  I know he’s hearing me even though he’s pretending he can’t. “Hem, you’re coming right? I need you there.” I soften my voice so he can hear that I’m being sincere. I couldn’t imagine my big day without Hem.

  Rolling his eyes in despair, “Yes, I will be there, dammit woman. Even though you’re making a big fucking mistake marrying that no nut tightass when you already know that Shame called dibs for you years ago, but you never really listened to what I had to say before, did you?”

  Argh. What the hell?

  He smiles as if I’m going to be tempted into having some heated words with him right now, but I just don’t have the time. Adding that to my mental to do list now though, check! He’s also drunk and he’s talking nonsense about Shame and his feelings for me.

  Walking out to the car, I feel another set of eyes on me. Shame is drilling me with a distasteful expression and I can’t put my finger on why he’s so worked up. Greyson and I together isn’t anything new to anyone here. We’ve been together for two years and are to be married in less than six months. I need to soothe my older brother from another mother (and father).

  I stop mid stride from walking towards Greyson and turn back to face Shame still standing on the concrete drive at the Club where I left him a few minutes ago. His look to me is almost predatory and I can feel the anger dripping from his large tattooed frame. I make my way to him and stare into those silver blue eyes, back and forth I’m looking from his twitching lip ring and back up to those eyes. My neck is angled straight up because I’m standing so close to him now. My stomach flips a bit, wondering what that lip ring tastes like.

  Focus, Mace. Shit.

  “Take care of him okay, Shame? He’s so out of sorts and I’m a little worried about what this evening will bring. Take care of yourself too; he's not the only member of my family I worry about.” I tell him this again hoping he understands that I do love him and worry about him just as much as I do Hem. That should help soothe the lion as he looks at the lamb with hunger.

  “Oh don’t worry little sister; while you are off with a fancy dinner with your man I will handle Hem and whoever else needs handling. He and I both will have plenty of distraction once the girls get here. You know what they say, once mother mouse is away the pussy will come play.” He’s in asshat mode. Okay, as long as he’s there and women are available then he won’t let Hem do something stupid. Hem does not think before he acts. Personally though, to me, these Club woman are considered ‘doing something stupid’ but its whatever.

  “You’re an ass. Enjoy your toys then. No one has ever even heard of that stupid saying either. God Shame, sometimes you act like you’re just 10 years old, not 34. Maybe one day you will find someone to really love, Shame. I know you well, best you remember that little buddy. You came from hell and you have spent years trying to distance yourself from it. You aren’t fooling me kid. You love us, that includes me as well but you’re acting all macho because Greyson has pissed you off with just his presence. Be a big boy and get over yourself. Go run along and play nice with the other kids.” Shame hates to be called “kid”. I know this, and yet I still call him that when I’m pissed at him.

  Walking to me in quick strides, he tosses his cigarette to the ground and suddenly grabs my face. I can smell the nicotine on his fingertips as he pushes them into my jaw. I would say it is erotic but it’s just Shame. That’s has been his scent for as long as I can remember. Even when I was only seven and he was nineteen, he smelled like this. God, it is erotic.

  Again, focus Mace. Damn.

  “I am not your kid, do not attempt to distract me from looking at that mouth and body of yours. Do not make a mistake and think that just because you are my best friends little sister, doesn’t mean I’m blind to the fact that you are now a woman. Hmmm, come to think about it, maybe while I’m dick deep in a Club tail tonight it should be your name I shout to my release.” He leans into my neck and takes a deep breath and emits a growl, sending me shivers everywhere. Then he drops his hands to his side, physically and figuratively setting me free from my mental foreplay. I feel the loss instantly. Never has he said an inappropriate word to me in all the years I have known him. No time to dwell on this now, Grey is honking and he’s been waiting long enough.

  I make a hasty return to the path I was walking before my brilliance kicked in and I had turned back. My face is flushed and my hands are shaking. I still feel his thumb pressing into the side of my face as his fingers wrapped around the nape of my neck and I can still smell the remnants of him. Delicious. Guilt wins out though and I get into the car just in time to hear the tail end of a conversation that Greyson is quickly trying to end.

  “Yes, okay. Package is being handled. Got it, Sir.” Greyson slaps his phone shut in annoyance and glares at me.

  “All done here, Princess? Jesus Christ they are just trash receptacles walking and talking aren’t they?” His anger isn’t at me but it is about me, I feel bad about it so I’m going to let it go. Greyson never does well when he feels he’s being threaten, whether it is a verbal threat or not.

  “What package?” I’m asking to dissuade his comment also giving myself time to avoid my retaliation to his rudeness regarding my Club family.

  “Nothing for you to worry your pretty face over, baby. Look, I’m sorry I called you that. I don’t like these people. They disgust me.” Well, tell me what you really think! He’s running his hands through his hair and he’s upset but damn, so am I. My attempts to bite my tongue have finally failed.

  “Those ‘people’ are my family and you know this so stop insulting them. I love you, Greyson. I love them as well, and if you love me then you accept them. Once you get to know them you will see they loyalty they have to us. It’s like having a family of friends that we can rely on anytime.”

  He reaches over after putting the keys in the ignition and leans towards me pulling my hair hard and putting his mouth on mine, in a non-sexual and brutal way. I do not open for him to enter. This son of a bitch is about ready to get bit! I’m so shocked that my body locks until his assault is over. It is so out of character for Greyson to act this way, he’s always been so gentle and easy with me.

  He pulls away throwing my head back as he removes his hand from the back of my neck and letting go of my hair. He’s still gripping under my chin tightly now with one hand, I can feel him squeezing it. “Thought you would enjoy a moment of what it would be like to be a whore, that’s what they like right? Whores? Sluts? Club meat? I’ve seen them in action, don’t forget that. They like it rowdy and rough, don’t they? Girls are walking around in there with nothing but ass string on, being taken by anyone that wants them; do you like idea of that for you? Tell me because I’m starting to wonder if you don’t have inside knowledge and experience. Shame put his fucking hand on your chest then touch your fucking face as I sat here and watched, Mace. From where I was standing you actually fucking enjoyed being manhandled by that fucking Neanderthal! God Dammit, all of you make me sick.”

  My eyes fill with tears and he lets my face go harshly and then stares ahead after starting his car. He doesn’t understand that when Shame put his hand over my heart it meant something, it wasn’t about making me feel less than deserving of his love. In this moment I feel I don’t belong here in this beautiful foreign car that was tailor made for Greyson. I feel like I make it dirty. Greyson just made me feel like a bug he wanted to squish.

  For the first time in two years I’m wondering if I really am meant to be with Grey. He’s never made me feel this way. Why now?

  Chapter Two:

  "All things truly wick
ed start from innocence."

  --Ernest Hemingway

  I’ve said nothing to Hem about his so called “announcement” last week. Why bring it up when I know I’m right and he’s wrong? No sense in spinning the big brother up. I hope it just blows over and he has forgotten about it. I’m sure he has with all his drunkenness and Club woman from that evening. I mentally chastise myself for thinking about what Shame had said about the Club slut he had planned on sinking himself into, then how that same evening Grey had referred to me as one of them. Maybe it’s not lost on me that I still want Shame, even just for one night.

  I never talked to Greyson about his outrage with me in the car. His seeing Shame with his hands on me probably spurred this about, saying I haven’t talked to him about it isn’t saying I forgive him either. He’s never shown any alpha jealous tendencies in the past which is why I didn’t see it coming. I was so taken back with his behavior that I still haven’t processed what he was thinking when he was physically aggressive towards me. I do know that if Hem or Shame ever saw him touch me like that or even heard he was less than gentle with me, they would end him. Not in a ‘roughing him up’ sense either, they would literally put him in the ground, six feet under where no one would find his remains.

  Tonight it is the weekly party at the Club. Every week the Peril members gather in the common area to celebrate weekly successes. Then after well, all goes. When I say all goes, I mean that in the most literal sense. Drugs and sex play out like a cheaply made pornography movie, with the same actors starring every week. I do not attend these unless something specific is being celebrated or Hem asks me to be there. Hem knows Greyson hates these, and being that he doesn’t live this life I can understand it. This is something that Hem uses this against Greyson and claims it makes him a pussy. Well Grey is out of town this weekend back in Texas with his parents. I could have gone with him, however this being the one year anniversary weekend of Docs passing I didn’t want to leave Hem alone. This is what I tell myself. If I’m being honest, I want to loiter around Shame without the threat of Greyson’s eyes, if only to just look at him without interruption. After our moment outside last week it has been hard to stay away, but I have. I haven’t seen Hem or Shame since that evening and I’ve been looking forward to tonight all week. Feeling giddy isn’t a feeling I’m used to. Since I’ve always known Shame was never an option, I’m used to watching him from the cheap seats. If this makes me a mental slut or cheater, so be it because the man is seriously hot.